It’s okay to feel scared.
In my experience thus far, this is the feeling that sticks. It is like being stung by a bee. Once you’ve felt the pain, the beautiful creature buzzing around the flowers still seems scary every time you see it. It may be here to bring beauty into the world, but you know the harm it can cause you. But all that is to say, you shouldn’t have to give up smelling the flowers just because you were once stung. Our future is still beautiful, still unfolding. I’ll let other women who’ve experienced a pregnancy after a pregnancy loss weigh in here, because for me- this is the feeling that I’ve kept with me.
Under our Community page, you can read Gina’s story. She describes her experience of being pregnant with her rainbow baby after two miscarriages. I included an excerpt below that really resonated with me:
“I had another ultrasound at 10 weeks. Still a heartbeat. Again at 12. Still looking good. Still checking my toilet paper. Still feeling disconnected from this experience. Uncertain and afraid to commit to the reality that I am pregnant.
It wasn’t until I felt the baby moving that I began to feel more sure of the pregnancy. But I still refused to connect with the experience and imagine our life with this baby. How sad this was! I wanted to connect and be a part of it, but I just knew I couldn’t’ do a third loss in a row. I don’t know if I could handle it again. To go through all this again!
I expressed my sadness of not feeling connected due to fear to a friend who had suffered loss later in her pregnancies. She told me that she never regretted bonding with her babies even though she lost them. That she only had that short period of time with them, and she was glad she loved them. And that really resonated with me.”